Imagine losing your center and both guards in one fell swoop, just weeks after losing your all-star franchise quarterback. If this was your fantasy football team, you’d be in a panic.

Alas, it’s not, unless you happened to have Aaron Rodgers and his front three from the New York Jets and the team made a foolish error like signing Colin Kaepernick.

To ensure that wouldn’t happen, Center Joe Barron, Left Guard William Vanden Boom, and Right Guard Sandy Batt say they’ll all quit on the spot if the team does sign the former San Fransisco QB.

“We’re not into all that,” said Barron, “We just wanna play. That guy’s teammates get surrounded by the cute female reporters that need a related story. My wife would kill me.” Other players had similar doubts about having Kaepernick on the field.
ALLOD Sportsball Correspondent Tara Newhole says the issue was resolved more than a week ago, but applauds our effort to keep it alive. “Kaepernick got shot down like…immediately,” she said, “But tater hatred level is off the charts for him, so it should fly pretty well for at least a year or two.”

Newhole pointed out our unique ability to have John Elway dress like Troy Aikman and fire players in Denver, or the time we had Ditka lay down the law for his field, a thing he hasn’t had in well over a decade. “It’s fairly impressive,” she noted.

Thank you, Tara. We try real hard. God Bless America.