The entire offensive line of the New York Jets says it will quit the team if the front office signs Colin Kaepernick.

“We’re not taking orders from that guy,” said Left Guard Joe Barron, “He’s not worth protecting.” William Vanden Boom, the Right Tackle, confirmed that the front five plus the Tight End where applicable in short-yardage and goal-line situations, will walk

Kaepernick’s presence in the league would obviously be highly controversial, and whatever team signs him will likely face similar pushback.

Just last year, a fictitious version of the Oakland Raiders that still actually played there gave the 35-year-old a tryout and half the team threatened to quit in an article just as well written as this one.

Since then, Kaepernick has waited patiently for his opportunity to grab a spot out of desperation, which means he likely performed some form of voodoo on Aaron Rodgers’ Achilles tendon, slicing with his +2 dagger of invisibility.

Kaepernick called the accusation “ludicrous,” telling ALLOD Sports Analyst Tara Newhole that daggers are meant for stabbing, not slashing, and that had his level 34 Paladin, Manx the Demon Slayer, actually been there, “Aaron probably wouldn’t have survived.”